After six years and mostly five years in a rural primary evangelization parish in Zambia, my roads were headed back to Kenya. I was feeling tired and broken, I wanted time at home to reflect on my view of missionary calling and get some rest. Being home was the best feeling ever, away from the worries and hustles of the parish, I had been working alone in the rural parish with 23 outstation well-nigh alone for five years. I was happy to be around people I knew very well in my life, people who I could talk to and they understood me. I felt cared for but still my body and heart felt broken.
One weekend a friend priest made an abrupt request; “My son (as he always insists on calling me though we are almost the same age) would you like to accompany me to Tanzania for a funeral?” I never hesitated to answer yes thinking he wasn’t serious. But on a Monday evening he comes gets to me and asks if I am ready for the journey the following day. Hesitantly I said I was and that evening I was packing a light bag for a two-day journey that later would change my whole view of life.
It was a beautiful drive into Tanzania, I had time to get introductions to the different towns as we drove through. At one point of the journey, we saw a beautiful house and my friend said that’s where they would be having the next ICOF course. I impulsively asked what ICOF means and my friend who had been at the course the previous year told me everything I need to know. I noted all that an held it in my heart and kept ruminating about it. Maybe this is what I need for a turnaround but mostly for a rest. The funeral done, we were headed back home the following day and as I drove on the beautiful Namanga road to Kitengela, all that was in my mind was the ICOF program.
Two weeks later, I was talking to my superior over a cup of tea about the possibility of a sabbatical year and the place of choice was at ICOF. One thing that made me feel so comfortable about being at ICOF was the presence of a priest I knew so well; a priest had had been pivotal in formation as a priest and now was part of the ICOF staff; I felt I would have someone who would understand me. I was soon or later making calls trying to get enrolled into the program and I was already few days late. I felt this is what I needed and I was ready to park my bags the same day and travel to Tanzania again for the program that would give me six months of sabbatical rest.
I arrived in Tengeru-Arusha, one week after the course has begun. ICOF; Inter Congregation Ongoing Formation was already buzzing with activity with most of the participants already settled and known each other. I was glad to meet priests from Zambian felt a sense of being home again, Zambia had been my home for six year. I easily fit in being the youngest in the community of 11 participants that would change my life positively in the next six months.
Looking at the courses for the six months, I felt this was one of the best choices I had made in my life. I was so skeptical though of some course modules; one being the TRE. Tension and Traumatic Release Exercise was unrealistic watching it on the short video presented in class. I felt this exercise was not for me; it was meant for the traumatized soldiers and others who had been in traumatic experiences. That evening I walked into the hall where the exercise was to take place with a phony smile and conviction that this was a big joke. After a few warm ups, we all lay on the floor and lo and behold, my whole body was shaking and vibrating. I thought I was bewitched or a spell had been cast on me… I couldn’t stop the vibrations not until someone touched me. I got up at the end of the short exercise and sat silently in disbelief. I never knew my body had been holding up so much tension and trauma. This simple exercise opened my mind for the reminder of my time at ICOF. I understood that, you never know how much you are suffering until someone else points it to you and opens the pandora box. This day opened a way for the series of Therapeutic exercises that followed on during the reminder of the six months.
I have realized that many at times, following the words of Cardinal John Henry Newman, we are The Wounded Healers. As pastoral agents, we focus so much on helping others in their lives but rarely take time to take care of ourselves. We become traumatized and build up tension in our bodies and soon or later, these break out bodies and at times beyond the “point de retour. A follow up of course modules at ICOF such as Self Care for Resilience, Loss and bereavement continued to open the pandora box deeper and deeper on how much I had neglected myself mostly unaware and turning into a workaholic. Upon being faced by this realities, Addiction, Awareness and Prevention module further equipped me with a detailed and diverse approach to my life as a wounded healer.
I am glad I took this course at this time of my life; I discovered the leak on my boat just in time. Reading Richard Rohr’s book; “Falling Upward”, I have ample time to prepare for my upward fall. Midlife is not necessarily a crisis but rather a transition. I am glad I get to understand this just before I hit my forty. I am slowly preparing for my falling upward by interiorization and exteriorization, building on my negative shadows and being aware of the already started midlife recreation. Falling Upward is a good read for everybody.
This is the seventh month in Tanzania. It’s been a month since I left the beautiful slopes of Mt Meru where we had our ICOF 2020 course. Every member of the course has had a long journey home during this corona pandemic time. I am still on sabbatical rest enjoying the shores of Lake Victoria… I never had the great chance to visit many places in the vast country of Tanzania but my time in Mwanza and Arusha have been awesome. I thank God and all friends who have made my year 2020 different in a positive way despite the Covid 19 pandemic. I thank the SMA fathers and especially my superiors for giving me this great chance to take a rest and reenergize. It’s a time each one of us should take once made available. I finally have answers to my many questions of my life as a missionary; not definite answers but I am now able to soldier on with a different perspective to life.
Fr. Thomas Otieno, SMA
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